When happiness makes you unhappy

It sounds a bit weird doesn’t it? How can happiness make you unhappy? Surely the whole point of striving for happiness is to feel happy!

Well it is, but there is more to it than meets the eye. Please let me explain.

I believe there are two kinds of happiness; sustainable happiness and momentary happiness.

Momentary happiness is all about striving to create pleasant feelings and being happy in the moment. This can be achieved by watching a funny movie, going on a holiday, eating a salted caramel macaroon (my fav), enjoying a meal out with friends or doing anything that maximises pleasure and minimizes pain. Once the event is over you will most likely return to feeling neutral, until you start looking forward to experiencing the next joyful event

So how can you remain at a higher level of happiness in between the little bursts of pleasant feelings?

The answer, I believe, is by building some sustainable happiness in your life, the kind of happiness that provides meaning and purpose. When I am pursuing this kind of happiness I am striving to expand my mind, to initiate growth and to make a contribution to the world that is bigger than myself.

However, in order to create this sustainable happiness I often experience many unpleasant feelings. Here’s an example of what I mean;

Last Wednesday I presented my first live webinar to a group of Podiatrists. Like all important things that you do for the first time, I was feeling rather anxious. Despite this I did a pretty good job until I came to the very last question. Even though I knew the answer to the question I didn’t articulate it succinctly. I ended up going around in circles and answering it poorly. All I could think of afterwards was not how great 99% of the webinar was but how I had stuffed up the last question and, in my mind, finished the webinar on a low note.

So whilst I was striving to create sustainable happiness in my life by stretching myself and investing in what I love doing most, I was also creating unhappiness. I tossed and turned all night ruminating over that last question. “How could I have answered it better, what could I do next time to avoid getting in a muddle, did the participants think I was unprofessional, am I really up for this and the questions in my mind went on and on.” I woke up exhausted and unhappy.

It wasn’t until the light of day and a good long walk that I finally gave myself permission to let it go. I realized it was all part of the learning process and that I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. If I wanted to grow as a person I had to accept that the journey would not always create pleasant feelings.

Over the past three years as I have consciously worked on creating meaning and purpose in my life, I have encountered many uncomfortable and unpleasant times. Often I have thought about giving it up due to the stress it creates in my life. I could easily go and work in a full time job that pays the bills, requires little brain power, keeps me safe and allows me to concentrate on just building momentary happiness in my life during my leisure time. As soon as I seriously consider this I experience a deep sense of emptiness. It is then that I realize building sustainable happiness is the type of happiness that is more important to me.

Ultimately your happiness is a subjective thing. You may be perfectly happy pursuing momentary happiness and filling it with activities and experiences that bring you joy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If however, you are like me and feel that your true happiness is linked to meaning and purpose then be prepared to experience unpleasant feelings that may make you feel unhappy at times. Carl Rogers one of the fathers of humanistic psychology refers to this type of happiness as pursuing the good life and says:

“The good life is a process not a state of being.”

I love the fact that I can combine both states of happiness in my life. I like to think of sustainable happiness as my main meal, the stuff that nourishes me and keeps my motor running all day and momentary happiness as the icing on the cake. The awesome stuff that you eagerly look forward to and that you know will give you immense pleasure after you have eaten the main course.

What type of happiness is present in your life? Do you have a preference for momentary happiness or sustainable happiness or are you like me and prefer a good balance of both?

Be happy, colour the world.

Claire